Because It's the First Time
Their locked gazes were bright yet burning. His handsome face looked as though it might devour her at any moment—savage, even—but remained utterly impassive and cold, not a single breath out of place.
What are you thinking right now? Juhee wondered. Does this amuse you? Strike you as absurd? Or are you debating whether to give in to desire?
She knew her clumsy seduction would never work on this man. She knew, yet she had no choice but to try. She felt that if she did nothing, she would only regret it later. So she intended to give it everything she had—until the very end.
Until he pushed her away.
It would be unbearably humiliating, but at least her heart would feel lighter afterward.
She could tell herself she had done her best, give up on Yoon Jeha, and walk away cleanly.
“……”
“……”
Through trembling lashes, Juhee met Jeha’s piercing stare and reached out. When her arms circled his solid neck, her fingertips ached.
She lowered her fluttering eyelids, held her breath, and pressed her lips together.
She wanted to kiss him, but she had no idea how. She lacked the courage to part his firmly closed mouth. All she could manage was to press her lips to his and let out shallow breaths.
How long did they stay like that?
Jeha’s hand, which had been sprawled lazily across the sofa, suddenly wrapped tightly around her waist. In an instant, her body was pulled backward and laid flat on the cushions.
His pitch-black eyes burned as though their wick had caught fire. He looked down at her, seeming to measure something, to deliberate. The tension tracing her spine made Juhee unconsciously lick her lips.
Seeing that, Jeha’s brow furrowed slightly before he lowered his face.
“You started this.”
Their lips met again, crushed and sucked in. His tongue thrust forcefully into her parted mouth, exploring every corner without restraint. The wet, heated sounds echoed vividly in her ears.
“Hnn…”
Between her quickening breaths and soft moans, Jeha’s own breath slipped in. Each time he rubbed and sucked, strength drained from her body. Long fingers brushed her cheek, tangled in her hair, then gripped the nape of her neck, pulling her deeper into the kiss.
The sensation of his tongue pushing in so deeply she could barely breathe, then withdrawing, was unfamiliar yet intensely stimulating. When he coiled around hers and sucked as if trying to pull it out by the root, tears nearly sprang to her eyes.
But with her head held in place, she couldn’t even turn away. All she could do was claw at the sofa with her fingers.
His tongue moved deep and lascivious inside her mouth—raw, unrestrained.
Is this what kissing is supposed to be like? The hazy thought scattered like mist.
When her lungs felt ready to burst, Jeha finally released her lips.
His hot mouth poured warm breath against her flushed ear.
I’ve wanted to do this from the start.
Instead of lips, he nibbled on her soft earlobe.
Why the ear, of all places?
When the tip of his tongue circled the shell and delved deeper, her slender upper body jolted in shock. But Jeha’s heavy frame pinned her down, leaving her helpless. The wet, explicit sounds his tongue made rang so clearly in her ears that her mind went white with heat.
After tormenting her ear with single-minded focus, Jeha exhaled roughly and lifted his head.
The moment their eyes met—his looking down, hers looking up—Juhee saw it: the scorching tide surging within his heavily aroused gaze.
Feeling as though she had glimpsed something she couldn’t handle, she squeezed her eyes shut, only for his fingers to catch her chin and tilt it upward.
“Open your eyes.”
Jeha’s voice was low as he swallowed a heated breath.
He wanted Gong Juhee to know exactly who the man kissing and pressing against her body was.
Her trembling eyelids slowly lifted.
Her wavering pupils looked lost, clear and cold. That made them dangerous. The urge to stir those eyes into chaos, to heat them until they burned, made his head spin. Just looking at them sent a maddening wave of desire crashing through him.
Suppressing the throbbing ache of want, Jeha ground out,
“Do you love Han Taemin?”
Her long lashes fluttered, closing then opening again.
“Does that matter?”
The soft, hazy voice wrapped around his ears, unbearably gentle.
Jeha let out a bitter laugh.
Right. Did it matter?
What mattered to him now was the woman lying beneath him—cheeks flushed deep red, lips swollen from his kisses, breathing in short, shaky gasps. Even with that helpless look and disheveled face, her voice remained calm.
Drinking in the sight, Jeha made a clean admission to himself.
The faint curiosity he’d felt about how she was doing had only ever been a process of deciding whether or not to claim her.
It had been worth remembering her for ten years and coming back. Thanks to that idiot Han Taemin, the opportunity had finally returned to him.
Gong Juhee had said she wanted to stay by his side. She had willingly stepped into his arms.
Yet even now, Jeha hesitated.
What was this feeling toward her? It blew in like a hot wind, fell like a gentle rain, and sometimes pierced his chest like icy needles. What exactly was it?
He had long since moved past mere desire, but he still couldn’t be certain it was love.
One time would obviously never be enough.
But if he took her body before her heart, she might run. He planned to have her heart as well, but the order of things gave him pause. Should he take her now, even if it meant earning her resentment and hatred? Or should he wait until he had her heart, even if it drove him mad?
Then a soft voice drew his gaze downward.
“He wasn’t love, but he was my everything.”
It sounded like both a soliloquy and a whisper. As Jeha’s eyes darkened, Juhee continued in a trembling yet steady voice.
“Because he was the one who protected me, saved me, and taught me how to live.”
“And then Han Taemin threw you away.”
He decided against adding, How fortunate.
At the cruel remark, her crimson lips, which had been parted, pressed together.
Seeing the hurt in her eyes, a self-mocking laugh escaped him.
“And I picked you up.”
Murmuring the words, Jeha lowered his face again. Though he had pried her lips open with his wounding words, they were now stubbornly sealed shut.
How dare you.
Swallowing a laugh, Jeha bit down on her plump lower lip.
With a short cry, her mouth opened, and he thrust his tongue deep inside.
The alcohol-laced sweetness mixed with saliva was maddeningly sweet. Her tender flesh was sweet. The feel of her tongue against his was sweet.
No wonder he was going insane.
Even the saliva that spilled from her parted lips, Jeha licked up with the tip of his tongue.
No matter how much he sucked and bit, it was never enough. He tried to draw in even her exhales, but his thirst only deepened.
Only when her small hands pounded against his chest did Jeha finally lift his head, realizing she couldn’t breathe. Moonlit eyes gazed up at him. The cool light in them made his chest ache.
“Once I start, I won’t be able to stop.”
Her pupils trembled.
“Even so, do you still want to stay by my side?”
Instead of answering, her small chin gave a tiny nod.
Receiving her answer, Jeha rose and held out his hand.
The small hand that shyly slipped into his sent heat rushing through his blood.
Holding Juhee’s hand, Jeha led her out of the room and into the elevator. His patience had long since run out, and he had no intention of making it all the way home.
The hotel was right downstairs.
Unlike Juhee, whose face burned scarlet as she kept her head down, conscious of every gaze, Jeha remained perfectly composed.
After checking in at the front desk and receiving the key card, he headed for the private elevator. Even then, he never let go of her hand. Juhee tried repeatedly to pull free and put distance between them, but it was useless.
The moment the key card beeped and the door opened, Jeha yanked her waist close and lifted her onto her toes. Gripping her small chin, he kissed her roughly. Even when their teeth clacked painfully, Juhee didn’t want to pull away.
Revenge, curiosity, excitement, and the haze of alcohol had all tangled together, spurring her on.
Spend the night with a man who desires you. Show Han Taemin—who justified his betrayal by calling you frigid—that he was wrong.
Even if it was nothing but bodies meeting without emotion, she didn’t care. Even if it hurt, even if everything fell apart, it was fine. Having one reckless deviation in her life didn’t seem so bad.
The moment his deeply entwined tongue sucked hard enough to hurt, Juhee wrapped her arms tightly around his neck.
The large hand gripping her waist slid upward and began unbuttoning her blouse.
Cool air brushed her sensitive skin, raising goosebumps.
His large hand covered the thin fabric over her softly rounded breasts.
At the overflowing, pliant sensation in his palm, Jeha let out a low, beast-like sound.
As he kneaded and shaped them with firm squeezes, a strange feeling welled up inside her. A shaky breath escaped, and her closed eyelids trembled. The moment his lips touched her bare shoulder, his long fingers pushed her bra upward.
Jeha lowered his face and buried it against her chest. The sensation of his lips and tongue caressing her tender skin drew a moan that sounded almost like a cry from Juhee’s lips.
She had never imagined that a grown man pressing his face to her breasts could look so erotic. The unfamiliar sensations his lips and tongue stirred were even more so.
Just as she thought her overheated body might burst from his relentless torment, Juhee flinched and grabbed Jeha’s arm as it moved lower.
Lifting his head, Jeha pressed their lips together and murmured lowly,
“I told you I wouldn’t be able to stop.”
A hot, dizzying sensation she had never felt before swirled through her entire body. Everywhere Jeha’s lips and hands touched seemed connected by invisible threads, pulling tight and making her whole form tense. The intensely unfamiliar feeling burst sporadically, leaving her reeling.
It wasn’t that she wanted to stop.
She just… that is…
Juhee lowered her trembling eyelids.
A faint fear of her first experience still lingered in her chest.
She had thought she could just close her eyes and endure, but now that the moment was upon her, her resolve wavered.
Because it was Yoon Jeha. Because she knew that beneath his cruel demeanor lay a tenderness no one else possessed.
Maybe that was why. She wanted to remember this night—this one and only deviation in her life—fully, to feel it, to be cared for.
So perhaps she should tell him it was her first time.
But contrary to her thoughts, her mouth wouldn’t open. It wasn’t the first time itself that frightened her—it was the fear that Yoon Jeha might stop. Suppressing her pounding heart, Juhee parted her trembling lips.
“Don’t stop. Just… go a little slower.”
“……”
“And… could you be a little more considerate?”
Even as she spoke, she couldn’t understand it. These words, these actions—she had never managed them with Han Taemin, the man she had spent half her life with, the man she had once considered her entire world. Why was it possible with Yoon Jeha? She didn’t even feel comfortable with him, let alone love him. He wasn’t her whole world.
“I thought I was ready, but…”
Juhee’s voice trailed off as she lowered her gaze. Her loosened blouse and the bra pushed up over her breasts came into view. The bold red marks covering her chest were so vivid that even she felt embarrassed. Heat rose to her eyes from the shame.
Drawing a small breath, Juhee lifted her gaze boldly.
Even with desire swirling in his eyes, Jeha waited patiently for her next words. She was grateful for that. The fact that he hadn’t lost control despite the raging want.
Biting her lip shyly, Juhee offered a small, bashful smile.
“It’s my first time, so I’m a little scared.”