The Curse He Cast
It was that expression again. The one that said he was so worked up he could die from sheer frustration. Eyes that looked like they wanted to devour me whole.
"We've held hands, hugged, pecked, kissed—done every last thing there is to do!"
"Why do you keep calling it a kiss?! Our tongues didn't even touch…!"
"Ah, so because I didn't put my tongue in, it doesn't count for anything?"
Of course it had meant something to me, too. Hugging, pecking, holding hands—every kind of touch like that had been a first with Kwon Hyun-jin. I couldn't dismiss any of it as nothing.
But if I admitted that meaning out loud…
If I did, there would be no reining it in anymore.
I had to stop it here. It wasn't that I'd made any clear decision. I simply knew I couldn't let myself be swept away by that hot-blooded force of his any longer.
"That day…"
The moment I opened my mouth, he focused on me as if he meant to hear whatever I had to say. I closed my eyes.
"I was so drunk… it was a mistake."
"A mistake."
Kwon Hyun-jin let out a sharp, scornful laugh. Even I felt pathetic. Calling this an excuse…
"Lee Na-hee. You've got a real talent for making people laugh, you know that?"
He took one step closer.
"I held myself back because you were drunk. And now you're using that as an excuse?"
"Held back? What exactly did you hold back…"
"Then do it sober."
We were close enough that our bodies nearly collided.
"Do it now. Kiss me. With tongue."
He caught the hand I raised to push him away and yanked me hard against him. The breath from his lowered face brushed my forehead.
I squeezed my eyes shut on instinct and turned my face down.
"…"
For a long while only the sound of his breathing reached me from above—ragged, as if he were barely restraining himself.
Nothing forced happened.
"Hey."
His voice had crumbled.
"I did everything… everything you told me to…"
When I carefully lifted my head, Kwon Hyun-jin was watching me with twisted eyes. The anger from a moment ago was gone; now he sounded almost like he was clinging.
"I keep thinking only of you… trying to do well for Grandpa, for the exams, everything—and you."
"I never asked you to do any of that for me. It only helps your own future…"
"Lee Na-hee."
This time the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable. The fierce grip that had held my hand slowly began to loosen.
"You know exactly how I feel. Why would you say something like that?"
Moisture gathered more and more in Kwon Hyun-jin's wavering eyes. His irises were so clear and lovely that the change stood out sharply.
My heart plummeted at the sight of those pooling tears.
"I was busy. There really wasn't a single free moment… that's why. I wasn't playing with you."
Now I was the one under attack. I grabbed his arm in a rush.
"I'll come to the apartment tomorrow, okay?"
He lifted his gaze as if trying to avoid me.
Staring into empty air far away, the line of his jaw beneath his ear grew even sharper and trembled.
The transparent veil over those beautiful eyes looked ready to break into actual teardrops at any second. I grew as frantic as someone dying of thirst.
"I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I was going to meet you tomorrow and tell you I'd been busy. Really."
"…"
His throat bobbed down and then slowly rose again, as if he were swallowing his grief.
"I'm sorry. I'll definitely come. See you tomorrow, okay?"
"Fuck… ignoring every single one of my calls…"
"I won't do it again. There were just too many people around. I couldn't pick up."
"You ignored every message, too…"
"Hyun-jin."
At the sound of his name he finally met my eyes.
He collapsed against me all at once, clinging, and rubbed something—his forehead or the corner of his eye—against my shoulder.
The weight of him made me stumble. Cold brick from the wall met my back.
I stayed quiet while Kwon Hyun-jin wiped every last bit of the sorrow pooled in his eyes onto my shoulder.
He would sulk and complain that I upset him, yet he never wanted to show me any weakness.
Whether it was a younger man's pride or just his own stubbornness, I had lost. It had never been a fight I could win.
I simply couldn't stand to see Kwon Hyun-jin sad.
"Lee Na-hee."
"Yeah."
"Hold me…"
He said he wanted me to hold him, but he had already taken my arms and wrapped them around his own waist. Only then did the shuddering of those much broader shoulders begin to ease.
"You didn't hold hands with Kim Chang-jin, right."
"Can you stop bringing Chang-jin up…"
What had that poor guy even done wrong? I felt sorry for Chang-jin, whose name had become known to Hyun-jin just because he'd called at the worst possible moment.
"Why would I hold hands with him."
"Then some other bastard."
"…I've only done any of that with you."
"The pecking. The hugging."
"Yeah."
"The kissing, too."
"We didn't even do that…"
"You'll only do all of it with me."
At last Kwon Hyun-jin lifted his head.
It was a look I had never seen before. Hurt, resentful, angry, and sad all at once. He glared at me with still-red, wet eyes as if he simply couldn't stand me—and suddenly a premonition struck.
"Answer me, Lee Na-hee."
I would never be able to torment him again. I was going to be ruled by those beautiful eyes for the rest of my life.
"You will, right."
"Yeah."
It felt almost like a curse.
That I would never escape him.
The curse Kwon Hyun-jin had cast on me.
"Holding hands, pecking, everything we did… if you do that with some other guy, then for real…"
He held his breath for a moment. His brow furrowed and his whole body locked up.
Like someone who had just broken the surface of the water, a long breath tore free a beat late.
"That son of a bitch. I won't let him get away with it. Whoever he is."
"I won't."
He must have imagined me playing around with some other boy. Completely unnecessary.
"You were busy too. Aren't you going to the academy now? Studying isn't exactly easy…"
"Who asked you to worry about my situation?"
"I've just been out of my mind looking at places to live, that's all."
"Why are you looking for a place."
"What do you mean why? I told you I'm moving out."
"Just move into my apartment."
"…"
What on earth was he talking about. What was this kid even saying right now. I was so flabbergasted I lost my words.
"B Women's University isn't far. And I've got two empty rooms."
Shameless Kwon Hyun-jin said something like that without so much as a change in his expression.
"We can just live together, Na-hee."
"Mo…"
"Don't bring up money. I'm not taking any."
"Are you crazy?"
Even if he gave me a separate room, strictly speaking that was still living together.
Was cohabitation common in England? No, even so. I was twenty and Kwon Hyun-jin was only nineteen. How could he say something so insane…
"I'm not crazy. I'm serious. Stop looking for a place."
"…"
"Move into my apartment."
Looking at him sometimes, it seemed he had absolutely no awareness that he was still young.
"Let's talk after the CSAT is over…"
Kwon Hyun-jin could seem so mature, and yet, paradoxically, it was moments like this that made him feel so young.
I had kept using the search for a place as an excuse, but the truth was I had already found one.
The university free board was full of monthly-rent rooms left behind by graduates. I looked with Ji-yul, who was attached to the school right next to B Women's University. It was a two-room villa near the back gate—older construction, but spacious and clean, and we both fell for it at once.
I told Mom a month before the new semester started.
"I'll move my things over little by little and head out to Hannam-dong next week."
"Na-hee, are you talking about that officetel right now?"
In the dark, Mom rose smoothly. I had thought she was asleep because she hadn't said a word, but she had been listening the whole time. I couldn't see her expression well, but her voice didn't sound good.
"What officetel?"
"The one Madam found for you. Jang Yeo-sa already told you about it, I heard."
So Madam really had prepared a place for me to live on my own.
I was so startled that the words stuck in my throat for a moment. When I gave no answer, Mom took the silence as confirmation, lay back down, and spoke again.