Learn What You Are

"Mistress...?"

Mistress. It was one of the words Anastasia still did not understand. She had heard it often enough, and it was clearly something thoroughly unpleasant, yet she could not grasp exactly what it meant.

"You learn a great many things in the study, yet it seems you never learn the things you truly need to know."

Her tone remained calm, yet Elizabeth's voice was steeped in thick contempt. Anastasia could not lift her head beneath that gaze.

Elizabeth took a single step closer. Her gleaming shoes crushed the book Anastasia had dropped.

"No!"

Anastasia cried out in shock. The book on the floor was one Mikhail had lent her. And to step on a book—quite apart from the fact that books were expensive—was an act beyond Anastasia's imagination.

As she learned to read and write, Anastasia had come to treasure books all the more. It was a wondrous experience. When she opened a book, even while sitting in her room, she could see entirely new worlds.

In books she became an explorer of the distant southern continent and discovered flowers larger than people. She became Yazinsky the Great, first emperor of Novgord, and raced across the central plains. She became a great merchant, boarded a ship, and set sail for Ils to trade.

Academic works, books of refinement, novels, fairy tales, maps—Anastasia leapt without hesitation through every door the books opened for her. Unfamiliar words were mere minor obstacles; they never stopped her.

The moment she closed a book the journey ended, yet she was no longer the same person who had opened it. Books were miracles to Anastasia. And someone was trampling one.

"Don't!"

Anastasia shoved Elizabeth's foot off the book. The rough force made Elizabeth stumble backward. Seeing that, Anastasia herself was startled.

"Ah..."

She clutched the book to her chest and sank to the floor, head bowed. What have I just done?

She had done something unthinkable. Daring to push a Lauderdale lady... She ought to prostrate herself and beg forgiveness at once. Yet before bowing her head, Anastasia thought: Why should I? She could not believe that trampling a book was right.

She examined the book in her arms. It had been open when stepped on, so the spine was warped. The cover bore a shoe-shaped footprint. She tried brushing it off, but the mark would not fade. It was the book that had guided her to the ancient kingdom of Claringia only last night. While reading it she had crossed millennia to watch nations clash with their very fates at stake.

So many lives were held within that book. And Elizabeth had crushed them so easily.

"This is not right."

Anastasia spoke clearly, without a single stammer. She knew she was angry. She, who was nothing to a Lauderdale lady, daring to...

"Not right?"

Elizabeth's eyes widened as if she had heard something amusing, and the corners of her mouth curved upward. Then she suddenly burst into loud laughter.

Anastasia had never seen Elizabeth laugh like that—never heard her raise her voice so. The unexpected reaction filled her with fear. Nothing she had said was funny. So why...

The next moment Elizabeth strode forward, stood before Anastasia, and bent down. Pain shot through her as her head was yanked upward. Elizabeth had seized her by the hair.

"Ugh!"

"Then is what you're doing right now the right thing?"

"W-what I'm doing...?"

What had she done? No matter how she thought about it, all she did all day was eat with Mikhail, ask him a few things she did not know, then sit in her room reading books. Was that wrong?

"Don't pretend you don't know."

"Nngh!"

The force yanking her hair again tore a moan from Anastasia. It was so hard that tears sprang to her eyes. But she could not bat away the hand that held her. Elizabeth's eyes flashed with a terrifying light.

"Did he promise you a future?"

"What... do you mean...?"

"He'll take me to Sokolov before summer ends. And there we'll hold the wedding. But..."

Elizabeth tightened her grip on the hair.

"What future did he promise you?"

At Elizabeth's question Anastasia recalled everything he had said to her so far. When they were together conversation never lagged. Mostly questions and answers, but sometimes they shared small talk unrelated to studies.

From favorite foods and places to the most memorable or wondrous things she had experienced. Looking back, they had talked quite a lot. But...

...Nothing.

Among all their conversations there had never been talk of the future. He never brought it up, and neither had Anastasia. Perhaps because the future was unknowable, or because she wanted to think more carefully.

No.

She almost shook her head. That was not why she had never considered the future. In truth Anastasia already knew Mikhail's future.

He had come to Edenhurst to become Count Lauderdale. Having secured the estate and the manor, all that remained was to return to Sokolov, marry Elizabeth, and become the official count. He would continue his business in Sokolov and live as the empire's foremost merchant, while the Lauderdale family who left with him would enjoy happy lives in a grander, more splendid city.

...And me?

Anastasia knew full well she was not included in that Lauderdale family. She would remain at Edenhurst. But could she stay here forever?

Her eyes wavered. Sensing it, Elizabeth smiled her usual elegant smile.

"Anastasia. Remember your father's teachings."

"......!"

At the words "your father's teachings" Anastasia's body jerked hard.

"I've reached the limit of watching you run away behind the excuse of ignorance. If you don't know, then learn from now on. Isn't that the proper attitude of one who learns?"

With that Elizabeth flung the fistful of hair away without mercy. Anastasia's body tumbled limply across the floor. When Elizabeth rose, her hand was full of red hair. She shook it off as if she had touched something filthy, and the deep red strands fluttered down.

"So I hope that today of all days you will learn exactly what sort of creature you are."

With those final words Elizabeth turned and left, walking calmly as if nothing had happened.

Left alone in the corridor, Anastasia touched her still-stinging scalp. The hair Natasha had carefully braided that morning was a mess. As she tried to tidy the hair that had been gripped, more strands fell with soft thuds. More had been pulled out than she thought.

Anastasia first gathered the books scattered around her. She smoothed the crumpled pages from the fall, closed the books, then swept up the fallen hair and cast it out the window. Then she went to the nearby wall mirror and fixed her disheveled hair. In no time both she and the corridor looked as if nothing had happened.

She collected her books and headed for the study. Though she was late for their appointment her steps were slower than usual. Elizabeth's words kept circling in her ears.

If you don't know, then learn from now on.

It was true. If she did not know, she had to learn.

Walking, she found herself before the study door. She raised her knuckles to knock but hesitated, unable to. Suddenly the door burst open.

"Anastasia?"

"......!"

"I was just about to come looking for you since you hadn't arrived. Did something happen?"

"No.... I fell on my way here! That's why the books got messed up and I was late tidying them."

The moment she answered she felt a throbbing pain in one side of her chest. She had lied. She hadn't fallen alone; Elizabeth had shoved her. Why was she lying when she had done nothing wrong? Anastasia considered the reason.

I don't want to tell him.

In all her time with Mikhail, Anastasia had never brought up Elizabeth. Very occasionally she mentioned the countess or Catherine, but she had tried not even to speak Elizabeth's name if she could help it. Why?

"Good heavens. The books are a mess."

Mikhail took all the books she was clutching at once and sighed at the topmost one bearing the footprint.

"Are you all right where you fell? If the books are this bad you must have been hurt quite a bit."

As Mikhail approached to check her injuries, Anastasia stepped back.

"......"

At that Mikhail looked at her. Pressing down the heart pounding with tension that her lie might be discovered, Anastasia went to the desk. She wanted to talk about something else as she looked at the books she hadn't finished taking yesterday.

Approaching the desk she saw large wooden crates and books piled in disarray. Among them her gaze stopped on a thick volume.

"A Great Dictionary for the Young..."

It was the book that, long ago, had shown her the image of paradise.

Her time with Mikhail ended shortly. Igor had come seeking him on business. Mikhail tried to send Igor away, but Anastasia said it was fine, that she wanted to finish the books she hadn't finished yesterday. Then she unnecessarily filled her arms with even more books, saying she would read more.

Back in her room Anastasia set the dictionary on her desk. Whenever she received new books she always sat right down and opened them. Moreover this was the simplified dictionary she had always thought necessary. She ought to be excited right now, looking up unknown words with delight...

Mistress.

The moment she thought of the word she sought, for the first time Anastasia was afraid to open the book.