Instant Crush
Even in a loose-fitting hoodie and baggy pants, his muscle-packed physique showed through unmistakably. When Kwon Beom-ju turned his head to check the side mirror, the bangs that had naturally fallen over his forehead swayed with the motion.
Ji-eum moistened her dry lips, pulled her gaze away, and blinked. Seung-jo had a car too, and she had ridden beside him plenty of times, yet the way Kwon Beom-ju drove felt entirely different.
Then how about meeting the complete opposite? Someone totally different from that guy.
Ji-eum was startled inwardly. It was something Kwon Beom-ju had said that night they drank together in Bupyeong. She had no idea why the words suddenly surfaced now.
Maybe I’m still half-asleep…
She bit her lip and turned her eyes to the window. Nothing outside caught her attention. A garbage truck collecting trash in front of a building, students with wet hair walking briskly in one direction, shops just preparing to open… Nothing but the endless narrow alleys of a typical university one-room neighborhood.
“Wanna put on some music to lighten the mood? Play whatever you like.”
Why lighten the mood? she wondered, tilting her head inwardly, yet she obediently opened her playlist. Come to think of it, anything was better than silence.
“Can I connect Bluetooth?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
Ji-eum immediately paired her phone. A moment later a notification chimed through the car.
Connected to Ji-eum.
“Connected to Ji-eum…. Heh.”
Kwon Beom-ju murmured the notification aloud and snickered. Laughing one moment, dead serious the next—several times a day. The guy was definitely not normal.
Tsk tsk. She shook her head and hit play. It was Daft Punk’s Instant Crush. If she could listen to only one song until they reached school, this would be her first choice.
As the dreamy synthesizer intro began, Ji-eum rested her head against the passenger-side window and closed her eyes.
The familiar melody carried her straight back to her first semester of freshman year in high school.
She had parted ways with her close middle-school friends and entered Bok-il High alone.
“Everyone else went to Shinbu High—why am I the only one stuck at Bok-il? What do I do? I’m doomed.”
Unfamiliar uniform, unfamiliar classmates, unfamiliar teachers… Starting with nothing familiar had been hard.
It was overwhelming at first, but Ji-eum gradually adapted in her own way. Through effort she gained two close friends she could go to the snack bar with and eat lunch with. At the beginning it felt wonderful. The thought of walking around with friends again like in middle school made her heart flutter.
Only later did she realize that when a group of three hung out, one person could easily be left floating.
Whenever seats were arranged in pairs, whenever class activities called for pairing up, whenever they rode roller coasters at the amusement park—someone was always left over.
“What about the seats on the field-trip bus? One of us will have to sit alone.”
No one wanted to be the odd one out. Still, Ji-eum decided she would be the one to yield.
“Oh, I’m fine sitting by myself! Extra space is actually nice.”
“Really? Perfect!”
Whenever an awkward moment of reading each other’s faces arose, Ji-eum naturally stepped back. Once that moment passed, the three of them could laugh and chatter again.
But… at some point the other two started pairing up on their own even without her stepping aside. At first she thought that was all there was to it, yet a strange feeling began to grow. Moments when they shared stories only the two of them knew, making it hard for her to join in, increased. Conversations carried the nuance that they had met separately over the weekend.
“What are you guys talking about? Did you go to the PC bang?”
“Nah, just… never mind. Did you finish the Korean history homework? Let me see yours.”
Whenever she asked they changed the subject, so after a few tries Ji-eum stopped asking. That feeling of being pushed aside without ever becoming a pair—it was lonelier than being alone had ever been.
That day was no different. Class president Seung-jo stepped to the front, projected a blank roster, and announced,
“The PE teacher wants the pair-dodgeball list. Doesn’t matter if it’s guys or girls—just pair up. We’ll use the vests to tell teams apart.”
They were going to play pair dodgeball every PE class for a full two months. Once or twice would have been fine, but being left alone every single time was unbearable. Everyone else buzzed with excitement at the news while Ji-eum’s heart alone grew heavy. With an odd number of students in the class, someone was guaranteed to be left over.
“Seung-jo! Put the two of us down as a pair!”
As expected, her two friends claimed each other first. Watching quietly, Ji-eum slipped out of the classroom and went down to the nurse’s office, claiming an upset stomach so she could get medicine.
When she opened the nurse’s office door, the first thing that entered her view was Ma Seung-jo leaning against the sunlit hallway window. She had thought he would still be in the classroom, so seeing him there was unexpected.
“Class president, are you feeling okay? The nurse is out on a trip. Hurry back inside.”
“Hey, Lee Ji-eum. Want to be my pair for dodgeball? I don’t have one.”
“Huh? Me? Aren’t you pairing with Junyeong?”
“Junyeong’s doing it with someone else. You don’t want to?”
“It’s not that I don’t… Okay, let’s do it. But I’m terrible at dodgeball, okay? Don’t complain later.”
Just like that, she ended up as Seung-jo’s pair for dodgeball.
Seung-jo was quick and agile. Whenever clumsy Ji-eum failed to dodge a ball he blocked it with his body, and he caught flying balls with ease.
“I’ll block for you, so just stick right behind me.”
After sweating hard at pair dodgeball they would come out of the showers and naturally share drinks while chatting about this and that.
The time she spent with Seung-jo steadily increased.
“Ji-eum, we decided to skip cafeteria lunch for our diet. Starting tomorrow we’re bringing lunchboxes.”
Then one day the friends she had been awkwardly hanging out with announced they would stop eating cafeteria food.
“Want to bring one too? Ask your mom to pack chicken breast and sweet potato or something.”
“I have… circumstances.”
She had no confidence she could pack a lunchbox herself, and the atmosphere at home wasn’t one where she could ask either parent. Besides, she didn’t want to fill her precious lunch with that kind of food. Ji-eum actually loved the school cafeteria meals and was secretly very satisfied with them. Eating alone would feel weird… yet the thought of asking to join another group already made her feel distant and exhausted.
“Then eat with me.”
That was what Seung-jo said then. Apparently Junyeong had started bringing other kids without a word, so he had been about to eat alone anyway.
“Really? How did this work out so perfectly? This is the best!”
The worry that had clouded Ji-eum’s face melted into a bright smile. Sharing cafeteria meals brought the two of them even closer. From then on, whenever pairing was needed Seung-jo always became Ji-eum’s partner.
They walked home together too. It turned out they lived in the same neighborhood. Thanks to Seung-jo, the time Ji-eum spent alone at school completely disappeared.
Rumors that they were dating circulated, but Ji-eum paid them no mind. She knew Seung-jo was simply that kind and attentive to the people around him.
Back then, that was how it was. The time with Seung-jo had been pure friendship.
“I’m home…. Ah.”
It was the day of the final pair-dodgeball class. Feeling oddly reluctant to leave, she stayed until evening self-study ended. Coming home late that night, Ji-eum stopped in the entryway at the sound coming from the master bedroom.
“What must our classmates have thought? We’ve been doing this for years and you still can’t play along!”
“I put up with being tired and went with you, and now you’re talking to me like that?”
“You should’ve at least let me save face!”
“Your face? What’s so great about your face? Honestly, your friends already know our marriage is a mess.”
It’s starting again. Ji-eum slipped her shoes back on and headed out to the playground.
The atmosphere at home was usually cold, but at least it was quiet enough to endure. When they fought like this, though, it was hard to bear.
The sharp words they flung at each other stabbed into Ji-eum’s chest one by one. Every single phrase left a needle-like mark. And near the end they always said the same thing: that if she hadn’t gotten pregnant back then they would have broken off the engagement.
Hearing that they regretted giving birth to her was agonizing. It was only natural that Ji-eum had learned to curl into herself and watch everyone’s mood.
“I wonder when today’s fight will end…”
The night air of the deserted playground, empty of children, at least calmed her heart a little.