A Careful, Cowardly First Kiss

"Your dad is seriously so sweet."

"Is there something wrong with your brain?"

This bastard Kang Sa-eon really did keep a knife on his tongue. I stared him down, dead serious.

"Isn't that obvious? I just came face-to-face with a handsome man. IQ takes a nosedive."

"So that's why you're especially stupid in front of me."

"Ah, sorry, but I've never particularly thought of you as handsome. That's actually the secret to being extra sharp in front of you."

Objectively speaking, he was good-looking. But no matter how many years I'd spent nursing this crush, the filter in my eyes malfunctioned exclusively where Kang Sa-eon was concerned.

"You're saying I'm not good-looking? You need glasses."

"Our princess is cute. Pretty, too."

"How long are you going to keep talking about when I was fifteen?"

Kang Sa-eon bristled.

He seemed to think I was picking on him for having been smaller and cuter back then. Of course, that was when I'd fallen for him in the first place.

"You're not denying that you were pretty and cute..."

"I looked in the mirror back then, too."

Confidence, overflowing.

"I don't hate that high self-esteem of yours. It's nice to look at. I mean it."

"Don't say such needlessly touching things."

Kang Sa-eon snorted. I let the teasing go.

I knew perfectly well that telling me not to get pregnant hadn't been out of any real consideration for me. But even so... it wasn't as if I was deeply hurt, or grieving over the fact that I could never be his marriage partner. That would have been strange, wouldn't it?

If we were actually dating, it would have been something worth crying over.

"Looking at it positively, we've at least been officially recognized as dating. He was being generous, right?"

"That's because it's you."

Kang Sa-eon answered as if it were nothing. When I looked at him, startled, he frowned. It had been suspicious for a while now — the way he'd parked himself at the far end of the sofa, not even trying to touch me, not even looking at me properly. Was I that hard to look at? Even in loungewear, I'd meticulously put on BB cream, at least. I'd pulled out a few wispy strands and tied my hair up in that style guys were supposed to like.

"Uh... ah, because your dad's known me since I was a kid?"

"That's a big part of it. But even if you hadn't been the kid that old hag doted on, Father would have approved of you."

That, I hadn't expected.

"There's no reason to dislike you."

He said it as if that were the most obvious premise in the world.

If something this small made me happy, I really did have a lot of problems. I must have been starving even for that offhand acknowledgment. If I had to assign meaning to those truly meaningless words, the way a career unrequited-lover would — it meant that the me Kang Sa-eon saw was someone capable of winning anyone's favor. But when he caught me grinning, he added one more icy remark.

"If he hadn't known you since you were a kid, he probably would have tried to make you his girlfriend."

"Your dad was that kind of guy...?"

"Be careful. Don't fall for it if Father tries to seduce you."

"I'll try to hold out for six months."

Kang Sa-eon glared at me with eyes that could not possibly have gotten any colder. I let out a soft, fluffy laugh and gestured him over.

Those wary eyes were hilarious. What, was someone going to eat him alive?

"What. Why."

"Anyone watching would think I was about to jump you. Why are you so tense?"

"I just washed up. You didn't."

"Are you calling me dirty right now? Hey, I washed my face the second I got home! Hands and feet too!"

"Don't come over here."

I studied him closely. If he'd actually been afraid of me, his face would have gone pale and he'd have broken out in a cold sweat — but his prim little face had a flush to it, probably from having just washed up. He was only saying he didn't want it. Backing down now wouldn't make me much of a woman. I promptly planted my head on his thigh. He yelped and tried to jump up, but I locked my arms around his waist and pinned him down.

"Ah, what, what are you doing? Are you crazy?"

"Does it give you the creeps?"

The way he thrashed was like a freshly caught eel. But that was all. The muscles twitching beneath my palms were hard and massive — proof that if he'd put his mind to it, or if he'd had a reaction he couldn't control, someone like me would have been thrown off long ago. Kang Sa-eon's breathing grew ragged. He seemed to be struggling, but...

If he kept being afraid of women forever, the rest of his life would be too hard, and too lonely. Setting marriage and dating aside — if he feared half of humanity and despised the other half, he couldn't help but end up isolated.

From now on, I wouldn't even be able to stay by his side.

How exhausting is it, hating people? And how painful.

I hoped he would finally step out from under Jeong-i Halmae's shadow.

I had always wanted to hold him. I'd always been careful about touching him, knowing that contact could shatter this relationship — but now I could find the courage.

"Sa-eon."

I called his name quietly, still holding his waist. He neither pushed me away nor touched me. A very hopeful sign.

The labored, ragged breathing and the rigid muscles of his back, drawn tight with tension, bothered me — but he was enduring it, wasn't he?

"If it's just the creeps, try to bear with it."

"..."

"You hate not being able to do things, don't you?"

Kang Sa-eon was relentless.

So relentless that he went to see Jeong-i Halmae every week of his own accord, and even while enduring that cruel coldness and verbal abuse, he hid the fact that he was being abused from his family and relatives until the very end.

Those fierce, blazing eyes that would snap at anyone who dared pity him weren't filled with the weakness of someone hiding their wounds — they were brimming with arrogant venom. I had been captivated by those eyes. But the part of him I came to love was a little different.

Even while loathing Jeong-i Halmae, Kang Sa-eon never badmouthed her in front of me. Even when his whole body trembled with fear of women, he endured it in front of others, and as long as the other person wasn't being rude, he tried not to insult them first.

Being able to be fair even toward someone you hate — that was an incredibly difficult thing.

I found that genuinely admirable and astonishing. I thought it was cool.

The way he never let go of something until he got it right was cool, too. The reason I got into a good university was partly because I worked so hard not to lose to Kang Sa-eon. Kang Sa-eon was staying up all night studying — who was I to slack off? Whenever I wanted to quit something, thinking of him let me push a little harder.

Love deepened every time I discovered something new about Kang Sa-eon. Sometimes it was something small.

Neatly trimmed nails. The thank-yous he habitually offered everyone even while claiming to hate people. The way he'd hold the door until I'd passed through...

But those were the things I'd fallen for.

What made me find him endearing was, well, mostly that he was cute. I knew the rose-tinted glasses on my eyes were thick and stubborn.

Finding a man two heads taller than me, with shoulders like a wall, a massive frame, and a foul mouth cute — something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

"Someday."

Words I really didn't want coming out of my mouth.

"Someday you'll have to get married..."

"..."

"Still, I'd be the best option, wouldn't I?"

"What do you mean by that?"

His voice sounded somehow strained. I sensed the line I needed to retreat from. If I went any further, Kang Sa-eon would definitely get angry. I'd always been clever about avoiding that line, at least.

Because I didn't want to lose Kang Sa-eon.

But this time, instead of backing down, I let go of the waist I'd been holding and looked up at him.

His face was expressionless.

Ah. He really didn't resemble his father after all.

His father's eyes were cold, but Kang Sa-eon's burned hot enough to scorch. Maybe he was angry because he felt dismissed. I smiled faintly, a little meekly. It wasn't to curry favor or soothe his mood — it was a truly habitual smile. Probably the one most familiar to him.

"I'm not saying we should get married, obviously? Don't get the wrong idea."

"Who would get that idea? I'd rather die than marry you."

"I don't want to either."

I love you, but as a marriage partner... not so much.

The unhappy future was obvious. In fact, the same was true of dating.

"We're dating right now."

"For a limited time, and I'm getting paid for it."

"Even kindergarteners do this much."

"..."

I reached out carefully, praying the ulterior motives packed inside me wouldn't overflow.

When my fingertips touched Kang Sa-eon's cheek, I almost cheered.

His dark, deep eyes were still, but that wasn't an important issue for me right now. I just hoped to stay composed, concentrating so my voice wouldn't shake.

I sat up and settled onto his thighs. I cupped his face with both hands. Just a little more.

"And this is something even middle schoolers do."

We were about two finger-widths apart. He sneered.

"So it doesn't mean anything?"

"Would there be?"

I slowly pressed my lips to his.

A careful, cowardly first kiss.