The Veranda's Bitter Lesson
Even though Auntie's cooking skills were top-notch, our mom wasn't far behind. When she got home from work, she was too tired to make side dishes. Still, after declaring that she wouldn't accept Auntie's help, Mom started waking up an hour earlier to prepare the meals. Even if I suggested that we could just buy food from the store, it was pointless. No matter what, Mom's stubbornness was that she put her heart into the food her daughter ate.
“Too much, right?!”
We met around 10 AM for an early lunch, and stayed together until Mom's fixed quitting time at 11:30 PM. Of course, we weren't exactly cozy like a man and woman. On the open veranda with no walls on either side, I was studying for my exams on this side, and he was doing his own thing on the other. Kang Eui-tae wasn't a complete ne'er-do-well; he often left for a few hours and came back, sometimes to buy groceries at the city supermarket. The rest of the time was spent on Korean language study and preparing for the GED. Wearing rose-colored glasses, I thought he would put the books down within a few days. When that happened, I planned to naturally settle the debt I owed him.
However, Kang Eui-tae was very persistent; he knew how to sit and study for hours. The next day after teaching him, he came back to review. He underlined things he didn't know while previewing. It was none other than me who was influenced by Kang Eui-tae's serious attitude.
“If we eat like this, these side dishes won't last even two days.”
“So?”
“What's so? This is what I brought. Eat them slowly, a little at a time.”
“If you eat quickly, that's fine.”
“Then I'll get fat. You eat slowly.”
“I don't want to.”
“Are you so hungry that even a ghost who couldn't eat would stick around?”
The reason I didn't leave, besides arguing with Kang Eui-tae, was nothing special. Or rather, I said there was nothing special, but in truth, it was a big reason. The veranda without nagging was comfortable, I could concentrate well, and most importantly, it wasn't boring. It was also nice to relieve a bit of stress by pressuring Kang Eui-tae. Before questioning whether it was right or wrong to spend the summer vacation of my third year in high school on someone else's house's veranda, this place was my heaven and hideout that Auntie's surveillance could never reach.
“Yang Ji-eon.”
“Yes.”
Then I was lost in the arrogance that I could turn Kang Eui-tae into a gentleman of the city. If I just said it, Kang Eui-tae would learn to use chopsticks, turn on the fan breeze, and come back from smoking outside the gate. The man who followed me obediently, unlike his first impression, seemed easy to handle at some point.
Like a doctor participating in a rehabilitation project, I tried to fix even his bad habits. It was stressful that the side dishes we were eating together were disappearing at an alarming rate, but...
“Nagging is intense. Is it because you're naturally interfering a lot, or because I look like food and you keep poking me?”
“What do you mean by looking like food?”
I learned a while ago that Kang Eui-tae was ten months older than me from his resident registration card. It was his fault for leaving his wallet behind as if to show off to me. Kang Eui-tae was twenty, I was nineteen, but I wouldn't lose to this side. If Kang Eui-tae wanted a high school diploma, would he dare to miss this lottery called me?
“Eat moderately. Moderately.”
After saying that, Kang Eui-tae slowly moved his chopsticks. He scooped half the side dishes into his bowl, then, for some reason getting irritated, he took a huge portion as usual. His behavior, which a pubescent boy wouldn't do, made me laugh out loud.
“What do you mean by 'like food'?”
I sensed that he was euphemizing. The original meaning probably had an extra word in front. I hadn't been raised like a princess either; I had lived in a neighborhood where the downstairs was a drunkard and the upstairs was a domestic abuser until I was six.
“You're like my tutor.”
Isn't it true that I don't need to be scolded by Kang Eui-tae for saying I was nagging? Kang Eui-tae didn't give up, closed the book, and smiled lecherously. Night had come, there was still homework to do, and under the orange streetlamp, his smile was as unlucky as the bugs gathering there. Kang Eui-tae didn't take his eyes off me and pushed the table with his foot. The sound of the screen that had been blocking us between us disappeared, eerie and terrifying.
“Ji-eon-ah.”
Kang Eui-tae smiled more when he was angry, and his voice cracked without reason. Normally, he would have fallen asleep, but this was the scene where three of his favorite dumplings were taken away. The heat of the night felt like I had eaten it, and my eyes became hot.
“Don't make a show of bringing side dishes. Then from now on, eat the food I make quietly.”
“Hey.”
“I'm following you everywhere, so you think it's fine? I didn't call you an etiquette teacher. I asked you to study so I could get a diploma. Is there anything else I want from you besides that?”
The man, who usually spoke shortly and expressed emotions shortly, was acting like his eyes were spinning as he threw a drinking party at me. I realized that I had touched something in Kang Eui-tae. After clearing the table, Kang Eui-tae stared at me intently. Feeling guilty, my heart was fading, but seeing the empty plates revived it.
“You have no manners.”
“Didn’t I ask you to teach me?”
“I’m not teaching you either. If I really wanted to teach, I would have spread the table like before and taught you one by one. We just keep eating rice, you. We eat side dishes together, and we drink water together. But sometimes when you eat three side dishes, I can’t eat even one. Because you have no manners and no consideration, I’m angry.”
“Hey.”
I also snapped with a sullen face as if I had memorized it. Eui-tae didn't do that. I didn't do anything special, but Eui-tae tried to repay by catching marsh snails. But because there was the excuse of providing a study place and helping to drive away the tutor, Kang Eui-tae came out as if he had a bellyful. He ate the side dishes I brought and received free tutoring without saying a word of thanks.
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Didn’t you hear? Get out.”
The man who had been blunt until now threw the book he was reading onto the floor. He threw the book he had been flipping through until lunchtime like that. His bad habit disappointed me more than anything else.
“I’ll get out.”
Near the withered grass field, Kang Eui-tae washes his hair. Recently, he came 30 minutes earlier than usual, and I saw Kang Eui-tae washing his hair and bathing at the yard's water tap. The thrown book happened to fall into a small puddle that had formed near the water tap. The book, getting wet, floundered and sank to the bottom of the puddle.
I stuffed the book and notes into my bag and stood up. I was about to tie my sneakers and leave when a bothersome sound came to my ears. The sound of lighting a lighter was sharp. Maybe because I had told him I didn't like the smell of cigarette smoke, he had been smoking outside until now. It seemed like his consideration for me was good.
When I turned around, Kang Eui-tae was sprawled like someone who had given up on life, smoking. He was looking down as if he didn't care about me. With his long legs, he was occupying the spot where I was. The man leaning against the creaky door that was about to collapse looked hateful, and my fingers itched.
For the first time, a fierce impulse to scratch my stomach wrapped around my hand. The water-filled washbasin and the red rubber basin came into view. I turned back the steps I was taking and poured the water from the washbasin onto Kang Eui-tae. The transparently shining water crossed the night air and precisely hit his face.
“......”
The cigarette smoke had gone out, making my insides cool, but Kang Eui-tae staring at me with wet eyes was like a broken doll with broken arms and legs. He didn't notice that his legs were trembling and took a step back. Kang Eui-tae, with his hands hanging down as if giving up, looked at only me expressionlessly.
“I told you not to make the house where Eui-tae lived smell like cigarette smoke. It’s really the worst.”
I don't know if there was any guts to say that. Kang Eui-tae, who had become as cold as an unwelcome summer night, slightly tilted his head. I fully understood why the tutor ran away with his tail between his legs.
Proudly opening his mouth as if to boast that he hadn't been scared, he came out. Perhaps because of the emotions reaching the boiling point, the sound of the cicadas I heard every day grated on my nerves.
Even when I ran home like I was in a bicycle race, I was worried that my heart was beating too fast and I might collapse, but something...
But after sleeping a good night's sleep and waking up, the hot emotions that could change a person were gone, and only self-blame and regret remained. No matter what, I wouldn't have come out swearing with emotions in front. No matter what, I wouldn't have poured a basin of water. Maybe my hand had gone to the delicious side dishes. I, who was only one year younger, should have endured it. Lying on the ceiling, talking about regrets, I recalled why I had thought to help that guy when I first saw him.