Just Because You Were Cute
“One-one-one-one.”
“What?”
“My room password. Come over if you’re bored. There’s plenty of fun stuff.”
“What kind of fun stuff?”
“You’ll know when you get there.”
He puckered his lips again, so I sidestepped; he released my arm and brushed past. Glancing at the swaying hem of his shirt, I lowered my voice and asked,
“That kiss when Ha-jin oppa showed up—did you know he was there and do it on purpose?”
“Looks like you handled the deal just fine. Why nitpick over something like that?”
“Did you do it deliberately?”
“Deliberately do what, exactly?”
“To put me in an awkward spot…”
“And if you got sulky and refused to hang out with me anymore? I don’t have the guts for that.”
Fair enough. He had no real reason to kiss me in front of Do Ha-jin. If he’d wanted to make things difficult, the managers would have been a better audience. Last time, when we were right in the middle of it and Hui-yeon unnie walked in, he could have been far more wicked, yet he’d settled for mere teasing.
“Then why outside…”
“Just because you were cute. Because you were cute.”
“……”
I stopped walking without meaning to; he added, utterly nonchalant,
“The cushion.”
I stared blankly at his back as he strode into the dining room, then hurried after him.
He was clearly brushing the whole thing off with that slippery ease of his, but as he’d said, the matter had resolved itself without incident, so I had no urge to keep picking at it. It was only that the kiss had felt somehow separate from ordinary play, and that was why I had asked.
I scrubbed my mouth with the back of my hand and glanced back at the window. The glass was blazing at its peak.
One-one-one-one.
The password was ridiculously simple. I was drying my hair in front of the vanity when a snicker escaped me; the photograph hanging at the edge of the mirror caught my eye and I turned my head for a moment. Still fixed on the wall was ten-year-old me, large as life.
Time to take the photo down soon, wasn’t it? A few days hanging was enough to justify the nail…
“That’s ridiculously cute. What is this?”
“……”
Whirr.
I cranked the dryer higher and focused on the task. But before long I rolled my eyes just a fraction.
The tiny picture reflected in the mirror was of a child, so of course it was cute. Kids were all cute.
“Just because you were cute. Because you were cute.”
I set the dryer down with a sharp clack. That had only been teasing. Half-heartedly combing my hair, I caught my own reflection without thinking. The face looking back felt both strange and familiar.
Cool-edged eyes and flushed cheeks. Something like the way I looked when I was aroused, yet even more raw and sensitive, and I had a fair idea why.
Two days had passed since Cha Seon-tae moved into the annex. In truth, every single time I looked in the mirror during those two days, the same impression had struck me.
I was loafing in my room exactly as usual—doing nothing, occasionally watching the world beyond the window while time drifted by—yet somehow it felt as though I were constantly occupied, nerves stretched taut. Probably because knowing we shared the same space all day long made me keep being conscious of him.
After a moment’s thought I left the vanity and carefully opened the closed door.
I hadn’t gone looking for him the past couple of days, figuring he needed time to unpack, but today should be fine. Holding this peculiar tension alone was exhausting. Wasn’t working it off together what we both wanted?
“……”
The house, empty except for me, held only silence and darkness. Relying on the faint glow of the night-lights, I descended to the first floor; my gaze drifted absently toward Father’s study.
Come to think of it, Father had been gone a full week already. When he stayed away this long it was usually an overseas trip, but we never really kept in touch, so I had no details. The curiosity didn’t last.
I opened the front door; lukewarm night air and the chorus of insects poured in. Muze was full of mountains, so once the sun set the heat always eased. Feeling the perfectly pleasant temperature, I had just taken a step when my eyes met the statue’s and I flinched, shoulders hunching.
“On the spot where someone died—an angel with a human face, no less—and it’s watching the house.”
Honestly, Seon-tae had been right. By day it was a finely carved sculpture, but at night it definitely held something eerie. No—if that were all it would have been bearable, but the unpleasant, sorrowful feelings that came with it left a person helpless. That was why I rarely went out after dark; I had simply forgotten for a moment.
I considered turning back to my room, yet the thought of the vast empty house made bumping bodies with Cha Seon-tae seem preferable, so I forced my gaze downward and kept walking.
“I believed at least that he loved me.”
“Emotions have an expiration date.”
I clenched my fists and quickened my pace.
“Where are you rushing off to?”
The low voice startled me so badly I stopped short, lost my balance, and toppled face-first onto the grass. Palms braced against the ground, I twisted around; Cha Seon-tae was strolling leisurely out from behind the statue.
He watched me fall without the slightest move to help me up, yet rather than resenting it I felt relief that his large frame blocked the statue and filled my vision.
I scrambled to my feet and roughly dusted off my clothes; by then he stood right in front of me. Soft hair, comfortable clothes, the lighter flame he sparked with a click—he must have come out for a pre-bed cigarette. No smoke smell yet, so he hadn’t lit up.
“Smoke outside the gate if you can help it. Father hates it.”
“Why are you crying?”
Ignoring my words entirely, he asked that; I wiped my eyes on reflex, but they were dry. Of course they were. I wasn’t crying. I shoved away the arm holding the lighter flame so close to my face.
“Who’s crying? Anyway—smoke outside.”
“Got it.”
He snuffed the lighter and shoved it roughly into his pocket. When he started to turn away I caught his arm. It was absurd that he knew exactly why I’d come out at this hour yet was leaving, and I also didn’t want to be alone in front of the statue.
“Where are you going?”
“You told me to smoke outside.”
“You’re not that much of a chain-smoker, are you?”
Whether he understood the roundabout plea to stay, a mischievous glint crossed his face. Certain he was about to tease me, I braced myself to ignore him—but contrary to expectation he merely pointed over his own shoulder.
“No matter how I look at it, that thing’s too damn scary. Nearly pissed myself coming out.”
“……”
“You look like you’re about to cry because of it too.”
“I already said I hate talking about the statue.”
“I never even said the word. What are you on about?”
He pointed behind him again—clearly a different direction this time.
“I meant that tree. Gives me the creeps.”
The lie was transparent, yet the shameless delivery kept it from being truly irritating. I huffed a soft laugh and tugged his arm a little harder.
“Whatever. In your room there’s fun—”
“Don’t you just want to chop something like that down? It’d get on your nerves.”
“……”
“If it were me, I’d have tried at least once.”
A sudden jolt of guilt made me grip his arm tighter; Seon-tae clicked his tongue as if he’d known all along.
“So you did try.”
“……”
“No marks on it, though. Failed? Or just an attempt?”
“…I hate talking about this.”
“Tell me and I’ll suck you off.”
“What?”
My head snapped up just as his face slid down to my ear. Goosebumps prickled uselessly where the shell of his ear brushed my cheek.
“It’ll feel better than a hand.”
He whispered the words low, then pulled away with a light kiss. I had no idea why he kept giving me these ticklish little pecks. They were simpler than a real kiss yet somehow more distracting; I roughly wiped my lips and glanced at the statue over Seon-tae’s shoulder.
“Why do you even care?”
“Just… every time I look you make a crying face.”
“When did I ever…”
The reply lacked any real conviction. Looking at the statue did make me uneasy; maybe it showed on my face. I sniffled dryly, hesitated, then spoke. I’d never told anyone, but it wasn’t exactly a secret that needed hiding.
“Just once I wanted to smash it, so I took a hammer out there.”
It had been the winter I turned nineteen; snow lay thick on the statue and the yard. In the dead of night while everyone slept, I woke from one of Mother’s nightmares and, unable to contain the rage that surged up, blindly hunted down a hammer and stormed outside.
Thinking I could shatter solid stone with a household hammer—I had clearly been far from rational.
“I couldn’t swing it… just stood there holding it, then gave up.”
“You went all the way out—why stop?”
“I felt sorry.”
“For who? Your mom?”
I had brought the hammer out because I felt sorry for Mother. Sorry that even in death that place had been taxidermied. Thinking that at least I should try to break it. So the fact that I couldn’t was pity of a different kind.
I wasn’t ready to say that much yet; I pressed my lips shut. Seon-tae shrugged and freed his arm.
“If I dig any more you’ll head straight back inside.”
“……”
“Okay. Questions over. Let’s go.”
I followed as he started walking, glancing back once at the statue. The same uncomfortable feeling made me scowl; the man ahead spun around and my attention shifted to him.
“By the way—what were you doing all this time that you only came out now?”
Beyond his stopped figure the annex stood visible. Lights glowed in every window, so the housekeeper was still awake; I lowered my voice and shot back,
“Then why were you so quiet until now?”
I was the one who wanted to know. From the way he usually behaved I’d expected him to cling and demand sex the second he moved into the annex, yet the whole time I didn’t seek him out he showed no sign of seeking me either.
Even though meals with the housekeeper meant he had reason to enter the main house twice a day, the second floor stayed silent. I alone tensed every time I opened my door, and when I confirmed the room was empty I felt oddly deflated.
Thinking about it now, it was a little ridiculous. Today too I’d stepped outside first of my own accord. Who went first didn’t really matter, yet the sulky feeling still made my eyes narrow.
“With only the housekeeper here, it’d be even easier to sneak into my room, wouldn’t it?”
“……”
“I’m not telling you to come in. Just… you’re a pervert. You could easily do that, so the fact that you stayed quiet felt weird.”
“……”
“Yeah, well. Busy unpacking, right? I stayed quiet so you could settle in comfortably. Seeing you haul me off now means the unpacking’s done?”
He gave no real answer, only twisted the corner of his mouth. A sudden thought made me tilt my head. What were you doing all this time that you only came out now? That phrasing somehow… Just in case, I asked,
“Did you wait for me?”
“You figured that out pretty damn quick.”