How Can We Do This?
How can we do this…?
The first thought that flitted through my mind was, “How?”
How could I accept fate…?
“Relax, Arkin.”
A small, warm hand stroked my rigid shoulder and moved in slow circles. Wherever those gentle fingertips brushed, warmth spread. The frozen stiffness inside me began to melt, just as the frozen ground in the winter forest thawed under a spring sun.
I met Nefetia’s eyes. The honey-gold pupils glowed like a quiet candle flame. She looked me over from top to bottom—forehead to eyes to cheeks to lips—long and intently. Every place her gaze passed, my skin burned.
“I….”
Even as my body heated, I hesitated. I was fighting with every ounce of will to keep the wave of desire from sweeping me away. For the first time in a long while, my reason was still intact.
“What… what are we going to do now?”
“That’s….”
Her gaze wavered. Certainty and fear clashed. Her eyes moved from mine to my lips, then back again. After a long silence, she whispered, “We… we’re going to hold each other.”
The moment I heard it, the seductive scent of her body swept over me. My breath quickened and my entire frame became a blazing furnace. I squeezed her wrist, trying to pull her close, and asked through gritted teeth, “Are you sure? If we lie together once, will that be the end of it?”
A strange flutter stirred deep in my chest.
“Hold her, Arkin.”
I startled and turned my head. This wasn’t the territory of the ice forest. Yet the voice I heard was unmistakably the whisper of the Winter Forest Spirit—something only those who reached the sacred land could hear. Why? Why here?
“Do whatever your heart tells you, Arkin. There’s no one else here.”
The wind howled high above, shaking the leaves. The spirit’s voice faded. Only Nefetia and I remained.
“Arkin… can you feel it? Something is crossing over from you.”
The distant sound of waves, the rustle of palm leaves—none of it mattered. Only the mysterious sensation from the tip of her fingers poured endlessly into my chest, surging. And slowly, what lay inside me began to move toward her.
“…I feel it.”
I held my rising breath and nodded. My voice was cracked.
The cool, calm breeze inside me felt nothing compared to the heat Nefetia pushed into my body. Two sensations that could never mix—one scorching, one icy—erupted in sudden, violent waves that stirred every inch of me.
“This feeling is strange. Sometimes it’s fine, then suddenly it rushes over me without warning….”
Nefetia swept her palm around my throat, gentle as if she were embracing me. Compared to her small hand, her touch should have been powerless, but I felt utterly possessed.
“What about you? I feel… refreshing. Cool and clear. Like my chest is being blown wide open. And… I feel like crying too.”
Her sweet, honey-sweet whisper rolled in like waves. The heat radiating from her small fingers was beyond belief. Each finger stroked and caressed me with its own unique temperature.
“Ugh….”
A moan slipped from my lips. When the tip of her fingers found the point where my pulse hammered, I finally gave up resisting. Desire flooded me and I pulled her waist close, wanting to kiss her.
My fingers slipped beneath her slender waist. I stroked it as if she were touching me. When my thumb grazed the sensitive spot, my body burned.
With my other hand I cupped her cheek. The skin was soft and fresh to my touch. I traced it slowly, thumb pressing gently into the full lips until the soft, warm flesh gave way beneath. The moist surface, the yielding flesh, the heat that passed through my thumb.
“Ah….”
Nefetia’s eyes fluttered open. As she exhaled, her lips parted and hot breath moistened my thumb. The touch of her soft, warm lips made me shiver.
Unconsciously I licked my lips. My mouth had gone dry and my head spun. Nefetia’s hand slid up my thigh, light as a feather, yet my spine tingled with gooseflesh.
“Arkin.”
In the moment the moon slipped behind a cloud and reappeared, I could see her face clearly. She cupped my cheek too. I tilted my head instinctively and pressed my cheek to her palm, then pressed my lips against it.
In truth, I had already known, in a hazy way, what I should do. Accepting this overwhelming pull would not hurt or wound me.
No matter how many times I scolded myself for being wrong, once I yielded to the impulse, I could wake the next morning and remain safe—without being trapped in that hellish dream.
Yet I had fought to avoid this. Every day I grew more reluctant, terrified that the more I desired, the more I would need. In my imagination I had held her, only to be consumed by shame and guilt the next morning, unable to meet her eyes.
But here we were. Nefetia had reached out, and reality had handed me the choice. I could no longer refuse.
I looked into her eyes and wondered: after this happens, what then?
I tilted my head, searching for her lips. The shallow, soft breath she exhaled brushed my lips almost within reach.
After this night, what would we become? We…
Just as my fingers were about to separate and our lips were about to meet…
Nefetia grabbed my shoulder. The instant her hand pushed me away, confusion flooded my face. Why…?
“Arkin.”
Nefetia, who had barely avoided my kiss, lowered her eyes. Breathing hard, she whispered, “Kissing… isn’t allowed, Arkin.”
Instead she reached down and pressed her palm against my abs. Her fingers traced the hard muscles and the deep cleft, sliding lower. My rigid length hung precariously at the edge of my tunic, as if that were her only destination.
“You said kissing isn’t allowed?”
Staring at her in a daze, my body suddenly cooled. All the sensations that had been boiling inside me vanished in an instant. Waking from the dreamlike magic, the bitter reality crashed over me like ice.
Even while I stood frozen, Nefetia moved with calm composure. She carefully explored downward. When her hand brushed my tunic and began to lift it slowly…
“Wait.”
I slapped her hand away. In the firm refusal, she looked up at me. We stared at each other for a long moment.
“Why can’t I kiss you?” I asked coldly. “Is that something you don’t even allow yourself? Because you’re going to become the king of Kepet?”
Memories of the times she had explained the Hetasept flashed through my mind—the life of a king who could not love, could not take a mate, who rejected all private feelings.
“It’s… just lips, Arkin.”
She answered softly, but her eyes were trying to look away from the pain she knew she had caused. Avoiding my gaze, she reached out again and pressed her hand to my thigh.
“Rather than that… let me ease your nightmares….”
Even as my heart shattered into pieces, her hand crawled upward like a gentle wave, enveloping the inside of my thigh. When the warm, soft hand slipped beneath my tunic, I grabbed her wrist.
“Stop.”
My voice cracked. Eyes blazing with fury, I glared at her and snatched her wrist again, gripping it hard, as if to warn her that I would allow nothing. Her shoulder trembled at the wrist I held.
“It can’t be helped. I reject your help.”
Watching her remain silent, something inside me cracked and broke.
“You know nothing. Nefetia. You don’t understand why I came here. Right? To you, everything is easy.”
I saw the complicated emotions in her eyes—tears welling, then silently rolling down her smooth cheeks until I felt I would go mad. I felt the frantic pulse of her wrist, the trembling of her breath.
But… we still… we…
“From now on, stay away from me in your dreams too. Or just pretend not to see me.”
Looking at the crying Nefetia, I closed my eyes tightly in despair. I released her wrist. The last words of the bitter Arkin were carried away on the wind:
“It would be better to keep dreaming of me than to mix our bodies.”