If You Fall for Me
With the house so large, Mrs. Bae could never manage it alone, so someone new would have to come in. The thought left me adrift. The gardener I could simply avoid by staying indoors, but a housekeeper would be pressed right up against daily life, and already my nerves were fraying.
A stranger cleaning my room, cooking my meals, crossing paths with me at every hour. For someone who spent nearly every moment shut inside these walls, it felt no different from having my space stolen out from under me.
I let out a long breath and gathered the workbooks scattered across the floor, stacking them neatly on my thigh, when I felt a brief glance flick my way.
“By the way, why does that oppa always show up reeking of cologne?”
“…….”
“Doesn’t look to me like all he does is study.”
He sniffed the air openly; I found myself doing the same. Do Ha-jin’s perfume did linger, but Cha Seon-tae’s cigarette smoke and body wash were stronger. Maybe because we had been pressed so close only moments before.
“What, every time you miss a problem he gets to touch you somewhere? Is that the game?”
“Are you insane?”
My look of pure disgust only made him snort.
“If you don’t know how to get yourself off, just ask that oppa to do it for you. What have you been waiting for all this time?”
“Stop it.”
“No, think about it. The guy looks ready to jump you if you so much as brush against him, and you clearly enjoy this shit. Doing nothing has to be harder.”
“…….”
“What, are you shy about faces?”
He stopped the car at a red light and turned, brows dancing. I let out a short, incredulous laugh.
“You’re not exactly ugly either, oppa.”
“Yeah, but people keep saying I’m too handsome.”
“Well… that’s true, but…”
I thought for a second; by the time the light changed and the car rolled forward, I spoke again.
“It’s not the face I’m shy about. It’s the heart.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re… uncomfortable.”
“Why?”
“Because you like me.”
“Shouldn’t that be a bonus? You could string him along however you want.”
The way he thought. I clicked my tongue and sank deeper into the seat.
“How long do you think that lasts?”
“…….”
“That kind of thing burns out fast. People’s hearts don’t stay forever.”
I felt his eyes on me again, but I kept mine on the quiet road.
“So because I’m not like that, I’m easy to mess around with?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, well.”
He floored the accelerator. Muze-si didn’t have much traffic; nothing stood in the way of the speed.
Before long we reached the gate of the house. Cha Seon-tae cut the engine and looked at me.
“What if I started to like you?”
“What?”
I paused mid-unbuckling and lifted my eyes. He shrugged and leaned against the wheel.
“Then this whole thing’s over?”
If he came to like me? It was a possibility I had never really considered.
Not because I had known from the start that he didn’t care for me, but because every time we kissed, every time our bodies rubbed together, I felt nothing from him but raw lust. Nothing like the greasy way Do Ha-jin looked at me. That was why the skinship with Cha Seon-tae ran deeper, yet the emotions stayed clean and light.
Even now the question sounded less like he was testing the waters with some hidden agenda and more like simple curiosity, so I nodded without fuss.
“Probably.”
“One more, then.”
“What now?”
“The other way around. What happens if you catch feelings for me?”
I had never thought about that either, but the answer was simpler still.
“That won’t happen.”
“Pretty sure of yourself.”
“Not sure. It’s a vow. I’ve decided not to like anyone, no matter who.”
“…….”
“Ji-yul, don’t trust people. A heart can never last forever. Feelings come with an expiration date.”
If you never start, you never burn.
“So don’t worry. You won’t have to deal with any of that headache.”
I knew why he was asking.
“Are you dating unnie?”
“Romantic question, but I don’t do anything that tiring.”
He was the type who found tangled emotions exhausting too. That was probably why he had approached me instead of Hee-yeon, who actually showed interest. It lined up with how I found Do Ha-jin so bothersome. Maybe that was also why I had accepted Cha Seon-tae’s advances so naturally.
He studied me in silence for a moment, then smiled without a sound.
“Then hell, I’m grateful.”
“…….”
“While we’re at it, take good care of the room. Living under the same roof means more time to mess around. Good for both of us.”
“I’ll listen to what unnie has to say first.”
“Suit yourself.”
He nodded easily, stepped out, and came around to the passenger side. I watched him open the door for me, then set my foot on the ground.
The nail Cha Seon-tae had driven into the wall now held a childhood photograph.
As he had said, hanging something made the place feel more natural, so I had ransacked the room and found the frame tucked in a corner of the built-in closet. In the picture, ten-year-old me clutched a stick of candy and beamed under a maple tree.
I remembered it from a picnic Mother and I had taken up the mountain, just the two of us, while Father was too busy to come.
For a while Mother had displayed it in the living room. Once I hit my teens I found the oversized photo of myself mortifying and took it down on my own; after that I simply forgot it existed.
I never thought I would hang it again like this. The idea of turning around after trying for a kiss only to face my own childhood face was somehow so funny I snorted—then a knock sounded.
Ten in the morning. I checked the clock, went through the usual routine, and opened the door. Hee-yeon stood there with cleaning supplies, smiling brightly; her eyes went round when she spotted the photo on the wall.
“You hung a childhood picture?”
“It was in the room. The walls felt empty.”
“True. With the photo up the whole place looks brighter.”
She seemed different today. Or rather, different from how she had been lately. The sharp edge she had carried for a while was gone, replaced by her original gentle air. What was this? I tilted my head, then asked casually as she set down her tools.
“Are you really quitting?”
She paused with the duster in her hand and looked at me. Her expression was awkward.
“I was going to tell you after I finished cleaning, but…”
“…….”
“Someone I know found me a position in Seoul, so I’m heading there.”
“Ah…”
“It’s so sudden, I know. I’m sorry. It was decided out of the blue for me too; I never had the chance to say anything earlier.”
“…….”
“I told the chairman by phone yesterday. We agreed I’d clear out my room at the end of this month and leave.”
That left less than a week. The same helpless feeling spread through me again.
“I’m sorry, miss. I actually like it here, but… I wanted to try something new.”
“No. You don’t owe me an apology…”
I let the sentence trail off and watched her face. She truly looked apologetic, brows soft, a troubled little smile on her lips. Not a trace of the wariness I had felt from her all this time; somehow the readiness I had braced myself for, to be resented, felt hollow.
Why the sudden change? Because she was leaving the job? Or had she simply given up on Cha Seon-tae? And therefore I was no longer someone to watch?
“I’m sorry to you, and to Mrs. Bae as well.”
“What?”
“Once I’m gone she’ll have to handle the whole house alone.”
I stared, puzzled. She exhaled softly and walked to the window, pulling the half-open curtains wide and cracking the sash for air.
“The chairman doesn’t seem to plan on hiring anyone new.”
“What? Why?”
“I really don’t know. He just said so.”
“…….”
“Mrs. Bae looks lost too. The house is so big…”
It was true—far too much space for one person. These days I was almost always alone, Father only dropping by occasionally to sleep, so two helpers had been enough. When Mother was still here, three housekeepers had worked the place, including a day-commuter.
Father couldn’t possibly not know that. Why refuse to bring anyone in? I tilted my head; Hee-yeon only smiled kindly.
“Let’s get along for the time we have left.”
I hesitated a moment at the top of the stairs, then forced myself forward. The walk to the dining room felt unusually long. Carrying a knot of tension, I stepped inside and found Father’s back alone at the table.
He was having a late dinner. Sensing someone, he turned, spotted me, and raised his brows.
“What brings you down to show your face first for once.”
“…….”
I had steeled myself, yet in front of him my mouth clamped shut. He looked me over with clear dissatisfaction and went back to his spoon.
“You know Hee-yeon is quitting, right?”
“…….”
“For a while Mrs. Bae will handle the house alone. You’re not doing anything anyway—sit around all day. Help her some.”
“Why…”
I managed to open my mouth.
“Why… aren’t you hiring anyone else?”
“That’s how it’s going to be for the time being.”
“…….”
“What. Something else you want to say?”
He glanced at me still standing there like a post, rinsing his mouth with water. I flicked imaginary lint from my pajamas and spoke.
“Once Hee-yeon unnie leaves, the annex room will be empty.”
“And?”
“The gardener… the one who drives me. He said he has nowhere to go. He asked if he could use the annex room…”
“The annex?”
“Not permanently. Just until he finds a place.”
Father seemed to think for a second, then nodded.
“Tell him he can.”
“…Yes.”
I had the answer I wanted and was turning to leave when he spoke again.
“I hear you’ve been getting out more lately. Director Park, Mrs. Bae—they all say the same thing.”
“…….”
“Looks like tutoring with Ha-jin was a good idea after all.”
I only dipped my head and walked out into the living room without a word.
Climbing the stairs, a small laugh slipped free. All I had done was step into the garden a few times—hardly worth the notice. And it was Cha Seon-tae’s fault, not Do Ha-jin’s.
Still chuckling under my breath, I burrowed into bed and absently rubbed the back of my hand across my lips. The soft give of them returned to me as I rolled onto my side; my thighs brushed together and every nerve snapped straight there.
“…….”
As if it had been waiting, the memory of that heavy pressure between my legs rose up. A long, thick cylindrical column. I knew roughly what it looked like, though I had never seen one. Imagining it vaguely while I curled in on myself, heat began to bloom through my body.
“You’ve never masturbated, have you?”